In the face of trauma we eventually learn to adapt to our situation. The fact is we never come out of it the same as we were before. If we were weak are we now stronger? If we were happy are we now bitter and sad? What about our children? How resilient are our children after experiencing trauma?
Most children hate to be different and stand out from their peers. Growing up in a household with someone who suffered any form of trauma, and are subsequently left disabled, will ultimately change the family dynamic. The interaction between the children and their parents change as do the relationships with their siblings. Often times, the roles of the family members change and children may become the individuals the parents depend on. As parents, we try to shelter and protect our children from the terrors of the outside world. Is it not preferred that we try to coddle and nurture them in the safe environment of their home? Will this approach ultimately help them acclimate to the world around them?
I used to think my children wouldn't be affected by their father's aphasia. I never imagined what life would be like for them as they began to grow and mature. This hit me a few months ago...
I picked up my son from school with a friend and we drove to meet Ayal at his work to drop off something. Our conversation was brief (about 3-4 minutes) and then we drove home. On the way, my son's friend innocently asked, "Why does your Dad not speak English good?". (Bear in mind that we live in Israel and our children's command of the English language suffers as a consequence). My son replied, "Oh, he just jokes like that sometimes". That was a slap in the face. Why didn't I see that one coming? My son was officially embarrassed by his father's speech. His father was different. He was different. Kids hate to be different.
From time to time, we try to assess our children's knowledge of the unexpected and uncensored issues that present themselves at our doorstep. This occasional 'checking-in' ritual isn't enough to fully grasp their understanding of the unpleasantries of life. How many times do we have to ask the tough questions, "Do you know why your father had a stroke?", "Do you understand that this is frustrating for him?", "How much does it bother you that your father is different?", "Do you think this will happen to you?", "Do you ever imagine what it would be like if you couldn't talk?".
The truth is we can't fully protect them from the harsh realities in life. They'll get another form of education from their friends, or better yet, the media. It may occasionally be challenging for our children now but I can only hope that they will have a greater appreciation and sensitivity towards people with disabilities as they grow up.
Our children are resilient and they may get hurt, ridiculed, and embarrassed throughout their lives. Though we can't shield them from unexpected trauma, the least we can do is love and support them as best we can.
Most children hate to be different and stand out from their peers. Growing up in a household with someone who suffered any form of trauma, and are subsequently left disabled, will ultimately change the family dynamic. The interaction between the children and their parents change as do the relationships with their siblings. Often times, the roles of the family members change and children may become the individuals the parents depend on. As parents, we try to shelter and protect our children from the terrors of the outside world. Is it not preferred that we try to coddle and nurture them in the safe environment of their home? Will this approach ultimately help them acclimate to the world around them?
I used to think my children wouldn't be affected by their father's aphasia. I never imagined what life would be like for them as they began to grow and mature. This hit me a few months ago...
I picked up my son from school with a friend and we drove to meet Ayal at his work to drop off something. Our conversation was brief (about 3-4 minutes) and then we drove home. On the way, my son's friend innocently asked, "Why does your Dad not speak English good?". (Bear in mind that we live in Israel and our children's command of the English language suffers as a consequence). My son replied, "Oh, he just jokes like that sometimes". That was a slap in the face. Why didn't I see that one coming? My son was officially embarrassed by his father's speech. His father was different. He was different. Kids hate to be different.
From time to time, we try to assess our children's knowledge of the unexpected and uncensored issues that present themselves at our doorstep. This occasional 'checking-in' ritual isn't enough to fully grasp their understanding of the unpleasantries of life. How many times do we have to ask the tough questions, "Do you know why your father had a stroke?", "Do you understand that this is frustrating for him?", "How much does it bother you that your father is different?", "Do you think this will happen to you?", "Do you ever imagine what it would be like if you couldn't talk?".
The truth is we can't fully protect them from the harsh realities in life. They'll get another form of education from their friends, or better yet, the media. It may occasionally be challenging for our children now but I can only hope that they will have a greater appreciation and sensitivity towards people with disabilities as they grow up.
Our children are resilient and they may get hurt, ridiculed, and embarrassed throughout their lives. Though we can't shield them from unexpected trauma, the least we can do is love and support them as best we can.
Julie, you continue to amaze me!
ReplyDeleteI think our kids need a one line simple (age appropriate) answer to give. Other kids ridicule when they sense weakness. If you child can give a confident answer and shows he is not embarrased, I think it will help to be less exposed to ridicule. So for example when asked the question just answer "my father had a stroke and it makes it harder for him to speak". or something along those lines.
ReplyDeleteDearest Julie, this brought me to tears......you are an amazing woman. Love you, always in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete