A shift from shock to automatic pilot

There is no question, without a doubt, that when people are pommeled, shattered and crippled by any traumatic event, it is always accompanied by the "shock response".  Each individual exhibits a different shock reaction and I now understand and respect a person's initial response to any traumatic event that upset the course of their life.  I used to judge or criticize people and the choices they made. I do not do this anymore.

While Ayal was hospitalized in Beit Loewenstein Rehabilitation Hospital, many events and developments were taking place in tandem; attending to the hospital experience, the kids, finding an apartment, acclimating to the bureaucracy of a foreign country (that is an entirely different blog in and of itself), and maintaining some form of sanity.

I often use analogies to emphasize and illustrate my experiences.  My roller coaster analogy:  The initial stages of Ayal's hospitalization and our overall experience resembled that of going on a roller coaster ride for the first time (however, this roller coaster is the ride where your strapped in from the chest up and your legs are dangling).  You know it will end, you just don't know when, and you feel extreme nausea or actually end up vomiting at some point.

In the event of a trauma, you have two choices; 1. hide in a corner and feel sorry for yourself or 2. try to pull yourself together to be strong for your family.  In exercising option #2 you feel that at least you can try your hardest to prevent your children from becoming "messed up" as a result of it all.

This is when the "automatic-pilot" mode steps in.  Ayal needed an advocate while in the hospital.  He was attached to an IV antibiotic drip for several hours a day for 6 weeks (to kill the bacteria which caused the endocarditis from the beginning).  That meant he had to remain there 24 hours a day.  Who would watch over him at night?  A family member of friend needs to monitor if they are being served their meals and as well as eating their meals.  Did the nurse change the catheter, who will take him to the shower, cut his nails, brush his teeth, cut his hair......talk to him?  Catching the doctor to get updates in the hallway was always a challenge.  In fact, I do recall it took me a while to identify and differentiate between the doctors, students, nurses and cleaning staff.  They all wore the same uniforms, only the colors varied according to the general hierarchy of professionals.

In addition to monitoring and trying to care and advocate for your spouse you can't forget about the kids.  Remember, you have to try hard to be there for them so they don't become "messed up".  Our oldest daughter was in first grade, our second daughter was in preschool and our third child, a boy, was a year old and in some sort of day care.  We were in the learning-how-to-read mode, day care mode, and in the midst of the diaper and bottle stage.  

I will conclude this entry by stressing to everyone that I am NOT a hero nor am I a 'tzadika' (righteous woman).  At this point, I am a mother and a wife who made the conscious decision to stay in automatic-pilot mode.